I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
