thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Randomize
