the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
