OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
