you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
