living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
