At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
