yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
