Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
