We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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