..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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