there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
