Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
