If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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