Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
