Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
