i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
