MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
