If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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