I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
