Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
