Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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