Apparently you make a good broom.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
