My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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