i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
