Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
