woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
