I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
