I hate all girls vehemently.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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