I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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