My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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