if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
