I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
