I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
