Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
