next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
