He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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