i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
