i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
