I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
