He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wish you could order shots online.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
