Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
