I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I think I won the penis lottery.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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