I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My balls are so social today.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You need a sexual gate keeper
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
