He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
