Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
