I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She told me I should be a condom model.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
