Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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