I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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