u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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