I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
