was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
