omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
